The baby is doing
well. We heard his heartbeat strong and
fast at the midwives. Hearing that
sound, Ben and I shared a look that I will never forget. It was the best news I’ve had since this
whole thing began.
Knowing how the chemo
has effected me this past week, I keep wondering how much is getting to him and
how it is effecting him. But his
heartbeat is strong. His is doing
alright. And I am so grateful.
This past week has been
a haze of bouts of extreme fatigue, nausea and headaches. When I’m “under” the effects of the chemo it
feels as though someone sedated me. It’s
hard to come out of that fog or feel really “present.” I’ve slept several hours every day. I am so grateful for the many wonderful
people who helped with the children. I
miss being myself around them. But, it’s
supposed to get better from here. Until
two weeks from now, when they do it again.
But it makes me treasure the moments I do feel good and recognize what a
gift each day is.
Monday, July 14, 2014
Adriamycin
(Also known as “red
death”)
Day five since
chemo. It hits me in waves. Sometimes I feel pretty good, then “wham!” it
hits me and its like someone sedated me.
I feel drugged. Exhausted. Unable to keep my eyes open. I’ve slept four to six hours every day since
receiving treatment. That’s in addition
to sleeping eight to nine at night. I
couldn’t do this without the amazing amount of help I’ve received from good
friends as well as Ben.
The nurse administering
the chemo told us that the heart has a limit to the amount of adriamycin it can
handle across a lifetime, this he told us as he’s pushing the red liquid into
my IV.
“How much can it
withstand?” Ben asked.
“Nine doses.”
“Nine?”
“That’s right. This is number one for you.”
If I had nine more after
that one, I’d be dead. End of
story. From heart failure. I’m scheduled to receive four doses during
pregnancy. I’m not sure how many more
after the baby is born.
“That’s why we did the
echo cardiogram to monitor your heart,” the nurse explained. “We want to be very certain of the effects it
is having upon it.”
Chemo is an amazing
science. Given enough, it will
eventually kill you. Give just the right
amount, and it will target the cancer, killing it and all the other rapidly
dividing cells in the body first.
But I’ve just received
one of nine doses of the drug that is powerful enough to stop my heart once the
limit is reached.
So what did I do today? I ran.
I needed to feel my heart pounding, healthy and strong despite the
slight pull of the drugs I can feel on it.
Three months ago I ran a half marathon.
I never worried about the strength of my heart then. But now, look what I’ve done to it.
My friend picked the
kids up. They will be gone all day, so I
decided to take an hour and run to the end of our drive and up a mountain trail
through the forest to a nice overlook. I
had to stop and walk the hills more than I wanted to. But the words of this poem played around in
my head:
Have Me
I
run because I need to know this heart is mine,
Kill
the cancer.
You
can’t have me.
But
the drugs are there behind each breath,
Pounding
in my temples,
Leaving
a briny taste in my mouth,
That
mixes with the salt of my sweat.
There
is life around me,
Beauty,
stillness and quiet,
A
sacred grove,
Nature’s
temple,
Sunlight
hits my cheek,
Wind
blows my hair,
Yes,
I have one week of hair-life left,
Birds
call, and crickets chirp,
The
air is humid from the storm the night before,
The
forest smells sweet,
Of
pine and damp earth and leaves,
A
bull snake bathes on the road,
He
is rigid as a rod as I pass,
As
if I am something to fear,
My
heart pounds,
I
feel the impact in my hips,
My
ankles and knees,
These
shoes have gone many miles with me,
But
none like this.
The
fog over my mind doesn’t lift,
But
it doesn’t consume me,
Underneath
it I feel a sense,
That
despite it all,
I’m
still me.
I
reach the overlook,
A
green valley bathed in morning light,
Stretches
like a sea before me,
But
suddenly, I can’t see it,
My
eyes are swimming with tears,
I
was thinking of Joseph,
My
four year old son so full of joy,
Will
I know him years from now?
Will
I watch him grow?
Will
he know who I am?
Have
I done enough to show him truth in lies?
Will
he cling to the Savior as I do now?
Will
I see him struggle and succeed?
The
blue and cream clouds above,
Remind
me of the place,
I
do not want to watch from.
I
chastise myself for the unexpected thoughts,
Don’t
think like that,
Stay
focused on being well,
“90%
of the battle is staying positive,”
“I’m
not going to die.”
But
what if He does call me home?
What
if, after it all,
That
is what happens?
Am
I prepared?
No.
I
push the traitor tears from my face,
My
hand rests on the slight bulge of my abdomen,
The
life growing within.
Just
then, in the distance,
An
eagle cries.
The
sound of freedom,
How
can it not make a heart rise?
Liberation,
beauty and choice,
All
echo within the sound.
Freedom.
I
want freedom.
But
the prison is inside me.
One
hand on my heart,
One
hand on my stomach,
Inside
there is death,
But
inside, there is also life.
I
run because I need to know this life is mine,
Even
if it is just a moment,
Kill
the cancer.
You
can’t have me.
